Cursed Napkins and the Perils of HIIT Training
I inadvertently did a little physical comedy routine today. I was heating up some tea in the kitchen and Yuanyuan (my favorite wife) said “you dropped your napkin on the floor.” Sure enough, I saw one when I looked down, though it didn’t have my name on it.
“I’ll be here next week, I’ll pick it up then,” I said.
Token resistance accomplished, I leaned over to pick it up, but then possessed by the ghost of silliness past, slowly squatted down and said “you have to be careful to use proper form when lifting something this heavy, allow me to demonstrate.”
I picked up the napkin with both hands, imitating a fork lift. “Make sure to lift with your knees and not your back”, I said and rose slowly.
At this point the ghost hooked the back of my pants on the lower part of the cabinet door handle behind me and the moon almost came out in broad daylight, to Yuanyuan and my dad’s shrieks of delight.
The cursed napkin, with “never forget” written on it, along with my extended family’s signatures, is now pinned to our fridge, along with my dignity.
I was getting ready to go out for a run before lunch but after I’d changed and gone downstairs, I realized my pants pockets were very shallow and I’d have to hold my phone in my hand while running if I wanted to use the same phone tomorrow. However, I’d planned on a HIIT run instead of my usual zone 2. 4 minutes fast, 2 minutes walk, whininess++ until whininess > discipline, was the plan.
(Spoiler alert: discipline was a paltry 3 today, while whininess broke out of the loop and hit a peak of 10 before reverting to resting whininess.)
I stood there for a minute, wondering whether if I ran too fast, the phone could fly out of my hand. Could a human being even hold up a phone for 4 minutes without getting tired? ChatGPT hedged as always and recommended I speak to a hand doctor.
I decided to risk it. I’d gotten this phone yesterday, we’d had some good times since then, but things weren’t meant to last forever. It was either this or planned obsolescence, this phone’s days were numbered either way.
Post warm-up, I picked up speed to whatever I thought I could sustain for only four minutes…and it wasn’t in the same universe as the scene my imagination had painted, with my clothes catching fire from the drag and sweat greasing my palm like a Satan’s skillet. It was maybe 25% faster than zone 2.
And yes, it turns out a human being can hold a phone aloft single-handed for at least 20 minutes. But do check with a hand doctor before you try to replicate this study.
